Cobra Commander Vs The Monarch
by Red Witch
Summary: This time Cobra bites off more than they can chew when they try to enhance their reputation that hasn't done well since the 80's. It gets even worse after an altercation with another organization.


**Butterflies stole the disclaimer that I don't own anybody else's characters. Ever have an idea so insane, so crazy you just had to do it? Well this is one of mine. Ties in with my stories of Cobra and their decline from grace. Enjoy the madness. **

**Cobra Commander VS. The Monarch**

"Call the troops! I Cobra Commander call a council of war!" Cobra Commander the leader of COBRA called out.

"We're all here Commander," The Baroness said in a bored voice.

"What troops?" Destro, the second in command of Cobra asked. "We're all that's left!"

"There's only six of us," Dr. Mindbender agreed.

"Thanks to a series of unfortunate events…" Tomax spoke up.

"And general incompetence," His twin brother Xamot added.

"We are now living in a stolen yacht that can turn itself into a submarine," Tomax finished. Indeed the group was sitting around some kind of well decorated living room in the ship.

"Even those mercenaries the Dreadnoks have turned on us," Xamot added.

"Although we really should have seen **that** coming," Tomax shrugged. "They're about as loyal as a rent a car from the Mafia."

"Thank you for the plot summary," Cobra Commander glared at the twins. "Can't you just let me enjoy the moment?"

"And what moment would **that** be Cobra Commander?" Destro growled, the metal mask on his head seemed to reverb his words. "The moment we realize that we are powerless? The moment when we know we have lost everything? The moment when we figure out that we barely have the money for **toilet paper** let alone weapons of mass destruction! Which moment is **that?"**

"Destro our plight is not as bad as you make it out to be," Cobra Commander waved. "We are starting to finally get back on our feet financially thanks to my latest scheme!"

"By selling counterfeit Twinkies!" Destro shouted as he slammed his fist on a table. "We're terrorists! Not bakers!"

"And it shows! Blech!" The Baroness made a face. "Those things were terrible!"

"Calm down Destro," Cobra Commander waved to his second in command. "Out of the twenty fat guys we sold to only one of them was able to tell the difference. So we're good."

"We are not good! We are as far from good as humanly possible!" Destro shouted.

"We have a ship!" Cobra Commander told him.

"Which we got by pure luck and can't afford to buy fuel for!" Destro shouted.

"Who needs to buy fuel?" Cobra Commander asked. "As long as we have a gas can, a hose and a mad scientist who doesn't mind the taste of gasoline in his mouth we're good! Right Mindbender?"

"Let's just say it's a good thing I never took up smoking," Mindbender shrugged.

"I'm not surprised you don't mind doing that chore," The Baroness gave the mad scientist a look. "Considering all the other unsanitary things you have put in your mouth…"

"Really? The woman who has dated **Destro** on and off for decades is making cracks about the stuff I put in **my mouth**?" Mindbender gave her a look. "I've had unwashed petri dishes that were cleaner than some of skanks he went out with!"

"Excuse me, but the women I spend my company with are not skanks!" Destro glared at Mindbender.

"That's true," Tomax remarked. "They may have been opportunistic gold diggers…"

"Or dried up rich old prunes wanting a last grasp at youth," Xamot added.

"Or psychotic lunatics," Tomax went on.

"But definitely not skanks," Xamot smirked.

"Is that a crack at me?" The Baroness glared the twins.

"Which description do you **think **was a crack at you?" Xamot asked.

"This should be interesting," Tomax chuckled. "They could all fit the Baroness!"

"Well you two would know all about psychotic gold digging skanks," The Baroness growled. "Remember Cadet Deming? The crazy blonde bimbo you two hung around with for a few decades? Remember how she stole all your money and kicked you to the curb when your company collapsed and you ended up broke?"

"We are well aware…" Tomax glared at her.

"Of our history with Deming," Xamot finished.

"Pretty funny if you think about it," The Baroness pressed on. "You two are supposed to be geniuses in the business world but you couldn't figure out the blonde airhead was diddling you financially as well as in the…"

"All right! That's enough!" Cobra Commander interrupted. "Let's not rehash the disastrous events of last year please? This meeting is about Cobra moving forward!"

"How the hell can we move forward when we are barely treading water as it is?" Destro asked. "And considering some of the holes we had to patch up in the ship recently I mean that question literally!"

"Destro I am well aware that stealing gas and selling counterfeit Twinkies are only going to get us so far," Cobra Commander told his team. "That's why I called this meeting. It's time Cobra did something bold and decisive!"

"That will be a new experience," Destro sighed.

"We need to reestablish and rebrand Cobra's image," Cobra Commander said. "It's time the world was reminded of Cobra's power and might."

"Neither of which we no longer possess," Destro reminded him.

"The world doesn't need to know that!" Cobra Commander snapped. "All they need to know is that Cobra is out there and will never stop! We need to get our street cred back and the only way to do it is to pick a fight with a major player!"

"What do you mean by major player?" The Baroness asked.

"Don't misunderstand me. I hate the Joes and always will," Cobra Commander said. "It's always fun messing with those overgrown boy scouts. But it's time we branched out."

"You mean in addition to GI Joe, two ninja clans, several mob bosses, the Dreadnoks, our former soldiers and every law official on the planet you want **more **people to hate us?" Destro was stunned.

"Good news," Tomax said. "We just read online…"

"That the International Brotherhood of Mimes has put a bounty on our heads," Xamot remarked.

"Why?" The Baroness asked.

"You were on your little vacation then," Mindbender explained. "We kind of blew up their museum."

"I'm setting my sights a little higher than that," Cobra Commander said.

"Considering our current situation, are you sure it is wise for us to pick a fight with another group of people that could potentially **kill us all?"** Destro asked.

"We don't have to actually win the fight, although it couldn't hurt," Cobra Commander said. "All we have to do is go there and do some damage and run off before they counterattack! Simple!"

"Who are **they?"** Destro asked. "Who are we going to attack?"

"I've narrowed it down to three possible candidates," Cobra Commander pushed a few buttons on a nearby computer on a large desk. "Each has their own merits and treasures for Cobra to plunder!"

"Oh this is going to be a disaster isn't it?" The Baroness groaned.

"First of all meet Sarah Stone AKA Stonefire AKA Iron Maiden," Cobra Commander brought up a picture of a young woman with a lot of cybernetics on her body. "A former front woman of the all-female heavy metal group Meltdown."

"I remember that group," The Baroness realized.

"You should," Destro grumbled. "Torch and the other Dreadnoks have been blaring that crap for years out of their rooms!"

"Yes but something else happened too," The Baroness said.

"Yeah it's the same standard story. Rock star makes it big. Terrorists invade rock star's concert and gravely injure her as well as kill her manager slash boyfriend," Cobra Commander waved. "Girl vows revenge on all crime. Girl gets cybernetic implants and tweaks them because of course it turns out she's a genius with technology. Now girl is a superhero using both her music and her metal bazongas to fight crime."

"That's a pretty standard backstory in our line of work," Mindbender admitted.

"Door Number Two is the dictator of the small country of Lavinia, located right off the African coast," Cobra Commander brought up another picture. A dark skinned man in an iron lion mask. "Death Lion. Actually his full name is Lord Irving Death Lion the Twelfth."

"I know him. He's a distant cousin on my uncle's side of the family," Destro nodded.

"Irving?" The Baroness asked.

"Let's just say that name as a child did not help his temperament while growing up," Destro sighed. "Not only did he become a crime lord Al Capone would respect he has in addition to his own genetically enhanced army, several giant death robots shaped like lions, a secret small fleet of nuclear subs and a rather impressive acting career."

"Acting career?" Mindbender asked.

"He makes his own soap operas and stars in them," Destro shrugged. "They are surprisingly popular in the third world. Not just as propaganda but it keeps the masses entertained and his cash coffers full."

"So he's crazy?" Cobra Commander asked.

"The man films his torture victims being eaten alive by cybernetic fire breathing lions and uses the footage in his soap operas," Destro gave him a look. "What do **you **think?"

"So who is behind…" Tomax spoke up.

"Door Number Three?" Xamot asked.

"The Defenders!" Cobra Commander put the final pictures on screen.

"Wait, **The** Defenders? As in the new super hero group that saved the Earth from two alien invasions last Thursday Defenders?" Mindbender's jaw dropped.

"That's the one," Cobra Commander nodded. "General Good Guy, Flat Man, Marvelous Melinda, Ms. Mystic and Korbo the Good Dragon."

"Dragon? He did say **dragon **right?" Xamot blinked.

"I heard it too brother," Tomax moaned.

"As I recall this super hero team is made up of an indestructible super soldier with the tactical genius of Sun Tzu," Destro thought. "A genius scientist who can get into anywhere and can't be killed because his body is flat and elastic thanks to a lab mishap. A woman rumored to be a super strong alien from another planet. One of the world's most powerful necromancers and a fire breathing dragon the size of Mack Truck?"

"That's right," Cobra Commander nodded.

"So we're going to pick a fight with either an eccentric rock star who has turned herself into a one woman army," Destro blinked. "A despotic dictator and an **actual** army. And a group of super heroes that is stronger than **ten armies**? Are you out of your **mind?"**

"That has got to be the most obvious rhetorical question I have ever heard," The Baroness sniffed.

"Fine you crybabies! We'll start with something **simple**!" Cobra Commander sneered. He brought up another profile. "We'll just attack **this guy**! Okay?"

"Who the hell is Dr. Venture?" The Baroness asked.

"Wasn't he that super genius that invented that giant space station and all those do gooder gadgets that help humanity?" Tomax asked.

"No, that was his **father**," Mindbender corrected. "This is his son. He didn't exactly inherit his father's genius. Or his physical prowess."

"Obviously," Cobra Commander scoffed. "But still according to this data he's still pretty high up there. Has a lot of previous deals with the defense department and residuals from his old TV show."

"He has a TV show **too**?" Destro yelled.

"**Had **one," Mindbender corrected. "Big child star slash boy adventurer back in the day. I think I had one of his lunchboxes once."

"Didn't this guy also have a huge hulking bodyguard that killed everyone in sight?" The Baroness remembered something.

"Not anymore. He's got a new guy now," Mindbender went to the computer and brought up a profile. "Former villain Sgt. Hatred."

"Sgt. Hatred? Wait wasn't he the guy that got in trouble with… You know?" The Baroness raised an eyebrow.

"Having the same dating tastes as Herbert from Family Guy? Yeah. But apparently he's on some kind of experimental drug and is reformed now," Mindbender shrugged.

"That fat slob is his bodyguard?" Cobra Commander scoffed. "Oh this guy is just **begging** to be robbed! You know what? We'll start small and do this guy!"

"Are you sure that is wise Cobra Commander?" Destro asked.

"Please! This wimp is a washed up has been with an even bigger fatter washed up has been guarding him!" Cobra Commander scoffed. "How hard could it be?"

"Why do I get the feeling we just crossed over into some even greater madness and stupidity than usual?" Destro sighed.

The following night…

"Okay the plan is simple," Cobra Commander told the others as they stood outside a large fence. "We run in. Do some damage. Steal whatever we can grab and run out. Easy as pie."

"Where did you get these troops?" Destro blinked. Several people in disheveled and ill-fitting Cobra troop uniforms stood around.

"I hired a bunch of people hanging around the Home Depot," Cobra Commander waved. "Found some old uniforms in a Good Will store. What? We need the extra muscle and we're only going to pay the survivors!"

"Is that where you got those jeeps?" Mindbender pointed to some jeeps nearby. "And that tank? Where did you get a **tank**?"

"Let's just say I borrowed them off a lot and leave it at that," Cobra Commander told him.

"And the weapons?" Destro asked.

"Again borrowed but quite a few of them had their own so…" Cobra Commander nodded. "All right. Let's **do** this! COBRA! ATTACK!"

The hired 'soldiers' stood there. "Oh right…" Cobra Commander said. He took out a small phrase book. "Hold on…Here it is. COBRA! ATAQUE! ATAQUE!"

The soldiers shrugged and proceeded to attack. They used the tank to run over the electrified fence. "For Cobra! HA HA HA!" Cobra Commander laughed.

"FOR VENGENCE!"

"Vengence?" Cobra Commander blinked. Right in front of him was another advancing army.

"Cobra?" A thin man with an orange and black butterfly themed costume, long eyebrows that went past his face, a goatee and a crown on his head blinked. Right behind him was a woman with bobbed black hair, a crown and a scandalous gold, orange and black butterfly themed costume. Her long gold boots and gloves covered more of her body than her outfit. Behind them there was a large battalion of men also in orange and black butterfly costumes.

"What the hell is this?" Cobra Commander shouted.

"Monarch who are they?" One of the butterfly soldiers spoke up.

"I have no idea but the Monarch will get to the bottom of this," The Monarch snorted. "Is there another thing going on that I didn't know about? Is that bastard Venture being arched by someone else? **Again?**"

"I don't think so," The woman told him. She had a very deep masculine voice that belied her feminine body. "Would have seen it in the Guild tweets."

"What the hell is going on here?" Destro asked. "And I thought Mindbender's outfit was flashy."

"Hey!" Mindbender protested. "I'm standing right here you know?"

"Well do you know who the losers in the butterfly costumes are?" Cobra Commander asked. "Is there a thing going on around here that I didn't know about?"

"Let's go ask them," The Baroness pointed. "They're coming over."

"Yeah ask them what the hell they're on if they think **those costumes** strike fear into the hearts of men," Cobra Commander snorted.

"Well they would if some men are afraid of butterflies," Mindbender shrugged.

"Who the hell are you?" The Monarch shouted as he and his staff walked up to them. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"What's with the butterfly getup?" Cobra Commander gave him a look. "And the eyebrows? You look like a reject from a morning show Halloween costume contest."

"Big talk for a man in an outfit that looks like it hasn't been updated since the 80's," The Monarch snarled.

"It's a classic look!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Classically bad. You look like that dweeb from the 80's," The Monarch sniffed. "What was his name? Some kind of snake theme?"

"I want to say Black Adder but I know that's not right," His female companion spoke. The Cobras did a double take when she spoke.

"No Black Adder was a British TV show," A muscular henchman with butterfly wings corrected her. "Starred Rowan Atkinson. Pretty funny too."

"Was he the guy who played Mr. Bean?" The Monarch asked.

"Same guy yeah," The henchman nodded.

"Twenty One is right, that's not the name I'm thinking of," The female with the male voice spoke. "Is it Asp Man or…?"

"No Dr. Mrs. The Monarch," The Henchman named 21 corrected. "He's the guy who stopped arching in the 90's. Created a heavy metal band."

"Oh was he the guy on last week's Behind the Music?" The Monarch asked. "The one who set his drummer on fire?"

"That's the guy," 21 said.

"I never really cared for his music," Dr. Mrs. The Monarch shrugged. "Sounds like the Grateful Dead without the whimsy."

"Well Asp Man is no Jerry Garcia that's for sure," 21 agreed.

"Made good television though," The Monarch told them. "In fact I think his trial is going to be on…"

"I AM COBRA COMMANDER!" Cobra Commander snarled. "And we are COBRA! A ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world! I am a leader of ruthless soldiers whose only goal in life is to create mayhem and grind the civilized world beneath my feet!"

"Yeah you and every other guy I meet," The Monarch rolled his eyes. "Big whoop."

"Oh yeah I've heard of you guys. Wait, aren't you guys **dead**?" 21 asked.

"No, we're still very much alive thank you!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And we are here to take Dr. Venture's secrets for ourselves!"

"Listen reptile breath," The Monarch snarled. "Dr. Venture is **my gig**! Got it? I don't care if you just want to drop a bag of flaming poo on his front step! If anyone is going to steal that bald creep's secrets it is going to be me! Besides! I got first dibs on him according to the Guild bylaws! So go choke on your own fangs!"

"The what?" Cobra Commander asked. "What the hell is the Guild? Some stupid role playing group you're a part of?"

"Seriously?" Dr. Mrs. The Monarch asked. "You don't know about the Guild of Calamitous Intent? Where the hell have you guys been the past twenty five years?"

"I know you guys are a little myopic with GI Joe but seriously? How can you not know about the Guild?" The Monarch asked. "It's **only **the biggest criminal organization on the planet!"

"Not from what I've heard," Cobra Commander sniffed. "Cobra is the greatest of them all!"

"Oh please! Half the guys who work for me had fathers who had to go on the unemployment line when you chumps went bankrupt after the 80's!" The Monarch snapped.

"I had an uncle who worked for Cobra actually," 21 spoke up. "Got squashed by a giant potato."

"Was it the Chicago incident?" Destro asked.

"Yeah it kind of was," 21 nodded.

"Oh. That was not supposed to happen," Destro scratched the back of his neck. "Supposed to squash only the Joes."

"Yeah I figured that out," 21 said sarcastically. "You know they couldn't bury him. My aunt had to have him cremated. You know what a guy squashed to death by a giant potato smells like after he's cremated?"

"I'm guessing French fries," Mindbender remarked.

"I'm not saying it wasn't a bad smell but after that service the funeral home never smelled the same again," 21 said. "And my aunt made the mistake of scattering his ashes on a tree in the back yard. A horde of raccoons moved in and never left. It was a mess!"

"As much fun as it has been strolling down memory lane," Cobra Commander snarled. "Cobra has a scientist to terrorize!"

"Over my dead body!" The Monarch snarled.

"Sounds good to me!" Cobra Commander snarled.

"Gentlemen please," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "Look I'm sure we can come up with an agreement on this issue."

"Who's the drag queen?" Dr. Mrs. The Monarch asked.

"**Drag queen**? I am the Baroness you…She Male!" The Baroness glared at the woman.

"Baroness, yeah. That's an **original **title," Dr. Mrs. The Monarch rolled her eyes. "So **not** like a drag queen at all."

"At least I have a title unlike…What the hell do you call yourself again?" The Baroness did a double take.

"Dr. Mrs. The Monarch," The woman put her hands on her hips. "I'm one of the most feared women in the Guild!"

_ "Dr. Mrs. The Monarch?_ You have got to be **kidding** me?" The Baroness scoffed. "That is the worst code name I have ever heard!"

"Well I used to be Dr. Girlfriend but since I got married," Dr. Mrs. The Monarch shrugged.

"What's wrong with that name? She's a doctor and she's my wife! So it fits!" The Monarch snapped.

"No it doesn't and neither does that costume she's wearing!" The Baroness pointed. "It looks like those fake boobs to fall out of that thing!"

"These are real and who are **you** to talk?" Dr. Mrs. The Monarch shouted. "That trashy little cat suit looks like it's been painted on! And it doesn't exactly hide your…how shall I say this? Love handles!"

"LOVE HANDLES! ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?" The Baroness bristled.

"If the extra-large spanx fit…" Dr. Mrs. The Monarch growled.

"Look why don't you jokers get out of our way so we can take on Dr. Venture?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"No, **you **are going to get out of **our way** so **we** can take out Dr. Venture !" The Monarch snarled.

"It is unwise to provoke the wrath of Cobra!" Cobra Commander hissed.

"Can't be any worse than provoking the wrath of your breath!" The Monarch winced. "Sheesh! Even with that stupid mask I can tell you've been drinking! Your breath has to be at least 90 proof!"

"Look I'm sure we can come to some kind of amicable agreement…" Destro began.

"No way, metal head! We got first dibs on Venture and that's that!" The Monarch shouted.

"Dibs? What do you mean dibs? Nobody has dibs!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You sound like you're in kindergarten!"

"Listen Snake Breath! I have an ironclad contract to arch Dr. Venture with the Guild of Calamitous Intent!" The Monarch pointed at Cobra Commander's chest.

"Contract? Contract? You actually rely on rules and piece of paper so you can commit terrorism?" Cobra Commander laughed. "Seriously? That's pathetic!"

"That's called **business **you serpentine…snake!" The Monarch shouted. "We may be bad guys but we're bad guys with **standards**!"

"You guys are out of touch with the times," 21 pointed at them. "It's time for you to go out to pasture. Retire to some condo in Florida or something."

"Hold on, I just remembered something," Dr. Mrs. The Monarch spoke up. "These jokers are responsible for destroying one of the Guild Approved Sanctuaries!"

"You mean the one in Hawaii that got trashed by that artificial volcano?" 21 asked.

"That's the one," Dr. Mrs. The Monarch nodded. "These guys are in violation of Article 12, Section 21 of the Guild Code."

"The what of section what of what?" Cobra Commander sneered.

"Get the Guild Handbook," The Monarch snapped.

"I have a version downloaded on my IPhone," His wife brought it up.

"You can download it now?" The Monarch was surprised.

"**Everything **can be downloaded now," 21 told him. "Seriously Monarch, catch up to the 21st century will you?"

"Seriously? You people have an **actual rulebook** for causing terrorism and mayhem?" Cobra Commander was stunned. "What kind of terrorist need rules? There are only **three** rules to be a terrorist! Rule One: Blow stuff up. Rule Two: Get money for blowing stuff up. Rule Three: Create mayhem any way you can. See Rule One! How hard is that?"

"That sort of short sighted do whatever the hell you want without thinking strategy is why your organization bit the dust years ago!" Dr. Mrs. The Monarch huffed.

"WE'RE STILL HERE SISTER!" Cobra Commander yelled.

"Here it is! Right here!" Dr. Mrs. The Monarch pointed to her phone. "If a non-Guild affiliated organization and or non-approved nemesis destroys any property of the Guild or Guild members, it is the duty of any and all Guild members to rectify the transgression immediately upon contact with the offending party!"

"What the hell does that mean?" The Baroness asked.

"I'm guessing those glasses you wear aren't for reading," Dr. Mrs. The Monarch gave the Baroness a look. "Basically by trashing Guild property any member of the Guild can trash you!"

"Which means I get another reason to kick your ass!" The Monarch snarled.

"In your dreams Butterfly Boy!" Cobra Commander snarled.

"You wanna go right here right now?" The Monarch got in Cobra Commander's face. "I'll do it! I'm crazy!"

"That's a given!" Cobra Commander snapped back. "You take the Butterfly Brigade and the Drag Queen and get the hell out of my way!"

"I am not a drag queen! I'm a woman who just happens to have a deep voice!" Dr. Mrs. The Monarch snarled. "I'm not a fake like that so called Baroness over there!"

"I AM A REAL BARONESS! I AM A TRUE ARISTOCRAT!" The Baroness yelled.

"Yeah and I'm a size two," 21 quipped.

"Why don't you be quiet you lackey?" Destro growled.

"Hey! I'm not a lackey! I'm a henchman! And proud of it!" 21 pointed to himself with his thumb. "Learn the difference dumb ass!" The men in butterfly costumes agreed with a cheer.

"Oh please. You're nothing but hired help and you know it!" Destro waved.

"Hey I get paid pretty damn well to be a henchman. Probably more than you lot do!" 21 snarled.

"You get **paid?**" Mindbender asked. "Seriously?"

"Shut up Mindbender!" Cobra Commander snarled. "And you butterfly brain, get out of here! Dr. Venture will fall to the coils of Cobra!"

"Coils of…? How corny can you get? Newsflash! Nobody does snake themes anymore!" Monarch snorted. "They went out in the 80's!"

"As opposed to **butterflies,**" Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Oh yeah, that's a **timeless **look! Timeless as in no time wants to own up to such a bad outfit!"

"Oh you are making fun of **my outfit**? Look at you! And your troops! They look like rejects from Goodwill!" The Monarch snarled. "That one guy doesn't even have a shirt on! Seriously I've seen dancers at gay strip clubs that wear more than that. Uh so I've heard."

"That's it! I'm taking you down!" Cobra Commander snarled. "Crimson Twins! Get them!"

"With pleasure," Xamot spoke as he and his brother did a cartwheel in front of the Cobras.

"Cobra Commander!" Tomax followed his brother as they prepared a fighting stance.

"Oh yeah? Two can play that little game! Or should I say **four?"** The Monarch snarled. "Pupae Twins! ATTACK!"

"Go on boys," Dr. Mrs. The Monarch told them. "Tim-Tom! Kevin! Get them!"

"Yes Mum!" Two little people wearing purple velvet crushed suits with white ruffles, yellow wigs with purple hats and little black shoes appeared. The only difference was that one man was black and the other was white.

"What the hell…?" Xamot blinked.

"Is that?" Tomax finished.

"Why are you wearing your Murderous Moppet outfits? Where are your pupa costumes?" The Monarch asked.

"Still at the cleaners," Tim-Tom grumbled. "Last time we use that place."

"Dumb asses can't get out a simple blood stain," Kevin agreed.

"Well to be fair it's not as much a stain as it is a coating," Tim-Tom told his companion.

"It's still just one stain. A big stain but still one stain," Kevin replied.

"Oh well I guess your old costumes are going to have to do for now," Dr. Mrs. The Monarch sighed. "Remind me to get you two some spare ones later."

"Fine we'll put it on the shopping list," The Monarch rolled his eyes.

"Might as well get it done while you are going for your new uniform fitting," Dr. Mrs. The Monarch told him.

"What do you mean? What's wrong with this one?" The Monarch asked.

"It's getting a little worn," His wife said.

"What do you mean? It's comfortable!" The Monarch protested. "It's broken in in all the right places."

"If it gets broken in anymore it's going to fall apart," His wife pointed out. "I wasn't going to say anything earlier because you know? We are going after Venture and stuff and he's seen it all before. But you're the Monarch. You can't just run around in any old thing. You have a reputation to uphold."

"You're right Pookums," The Monarch smiled. "The Monarch cannot be seen in anything less than regal when he commits his acts of terror."

"Acts of terror? Please! This is **pathetic!"** Cobra Commander laughed. "You're wearing freaking butterfly costumes and your guards are the Little Lord Fauntleroy Twins! Yeah! Like anyone is gonna be scared of **that!**"

"Oh you have no idea who the hell you are speaking to!" The Monarch snarled.

"Yeah I do! The dumbest villains in the world! I mean come on! Disney villains are scarier than you!" Cobra Commander taunted.

"Preschool Disney villains are scarier than those two," Tomax smirked.

"Oh really?" Tim-Tom sneered.

"They're gonna **get it**," 21 said in a sing song voice.

"Oooh! We are so frightened by foppish 18th century costumes!" Xamot mocked.

"Don't mock the threads dude," Kevin warned.

"Ooh! Don't crush the velvet!" Tomax mocked.

"Go play in the sandbox boys," Xamot waved.

"Leave the fighting to the **real men**," Tomax sneered.

"Now you've done it," Dr. Mrs. The Monarch shrugged. "Tim-Tom! Kevin! Teach these boys some manners!"

"Oh what are they going to do?" Tomax scoffed. "Play…AAAAAAAAAH!" He screamed as the smaller men leapt on top of the Crimson Twins.

"Boy for little people they can jump pretty high," Mindbender blinked. "That is the correct term isn't it?"

"How should I know?" Cobra Commander spat. "Crimson Twins will you two stop clowning around and put up a fight?"

"MMMFFFFF!" The twins tried to scream but with people on their faces it was hard for them to do so.

"This is going to be one of **those** missions isn't it?" The Baroness groaned.

"UNLEASH THE COCOON!" The Monarch screamed into his wrist communicator. A huge floating object appeared in the sky.

"What the hell is **that?**" Cobra Commander looked at the object in the sky.

"Behold the cocoon of the Monarch!" The Monarch laughed.

"It looks like a giant flying golden turd!" Cobra Commander sneered.

"Still better than our old place," Mindbender admitted. "I mean come on. Anything is pretty much a step up from a third rate fried chicken restaurant."

"Whose side are you on?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Insult the Monarch's Cocoon? Oh it is on now Bitch!" The Monarch pointed. "ATTACK!"

"That's all I needed!" Dr. Mrs. The Monarch yelled before she attacked the Baroness with a flying kick.

With a huge boom the cocoon unleashed a huge volley of laser blasts and missiles onto the Cobra troops. They scattered in terror.

"Oh crap," Cobra Commander groaned.

"It seems the golden turd has a bit more firepower than it appears!" Destro yelled.

"That's not all it has!" Mindbender pointed to a brigade of flying butterfly men carrying laser rifles flying out of the cocoon.

BOOOOOOM!

SMASH!

KA-BLAM!

"OW! OW! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!" The Crimson Twins screamed as they tried to get Tim-Tom and Kevin off of them.

"AAAAHHH!" The Cobra Troops scattered in fear at the flying rays of death from above. Both from the cocoon and the flying troops.

"YEAAAAAHH!" 21 let out a roar and tackled Destro.

"DIE!" The Monarch yelled as he tackled Cobra Commander.

"AAAH!" Cobra Commander yelled. "Get off me you butterfly buffoon!"

"We were so not prepared for this," Mindbender groaned putting his hand to his face.

Meanwhile inside the Venture Compound.

"What the hell is going on **now**?" Dr. Venture a thin bald man with a pointed red goatee in a red scientist jumpsuit shouted as he looked out the window. "Hatred! Who are these morons tearing up my lawn?"

"I believe that is the old terrorist group called Cobra," Sgt. Hatred, Dr. Venture's new bodyguard remarked. He was a huge man with a gravelly voice with a red H tattooed on his massive forehead. He wore a blue uniform and a white helmet on his head.

"Cobra? You mean those bad guys from the 80's that the army used to fight?" Dr. Venture asked. "Aren't they dead?"

"No, but by the looks of it they will be pretty soon," Sgt. Hatred remarked.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Great. Body parts all over the lawn," Dr. Venture sighed as a flaming human arm landed on the window and slid down. "Just what I wanted."

"Aww man I just had those widows cleaned!" Sgt. Hatred groaned.

"What the hell are those has beens doing here in the **first place**?" Dr. Venture snapped. "What did I ever do to them?"

"They probably were looking to steal some of your Dad's inventions or something," Sgt. Hatred shrugged. "Maybe even up their street cred. They've been in a real slump since they went bankrupt for the fifteenth time. They have not done well since the 80's."

"Sounds like my love life," Dr. Venture grumbled.

"Eat dirt you drag queen!" Dr. Mrs. The Monarch shoved the Baroness's face into the ground. "Insult my man, my team and my outfit! I'm gonna make you **eat **those words!"

"MMMFFFT!" The Baroness struggled to escape but couldn't.

"It appears that Cobra was trying to arch you on the same night the Monarch was arching you," Sgt. Hatred surmised.

"Thanks for the update! I would have **never** have figured that out!" Dr. Venture snapped sarcastically.

"AAAAHHH!" The Crimson Twins ran for their lives away from Tim and Tom. Both Murderous Moppets were cackling wildly and waving around bloody knives.

"Good news is the Monarch won't have any time for attacking us today," Sgt. Hatred remarked. "Guild has pretty strict rules about non guild members poaching on Guild arching."

"Yeah I gathered that with all the blood on the lawn," Dr. Venture grumbled. "Oh for crying out loud! I just had that mowed and it was perfect! Now I have to get it landscaped all over again!"

"Well how do you think I feel about the windows?" Sgt. Hatred asked his boss.

"Windows scmindows! That's nothing a little hose can't wash out!" Dr. Venture pointed to the blood on the window. "I'm missing huge chunks of my lawn! What from the tanks and the troops…"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"And the **fires**!" Dr. Venture snapped. "Oh look at that guy in the jeep over there! He's tearing up the lawn trying to drive away!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"And the missile gets him and makes a huge crater! Nice!" Dr. Venture folded his arms in contempt. "Why does everything happen to **me?"**

"AAAAAH!" Destro yelled as 21 bit his arm. "SOMEBODY GET THIS LUNATIC OFF ME!"

"I'M HAVING PROBLEMS MYSELF IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED!" Cobra Commander yelled as he wrestled with the Monarch on the lawn. "MINDBENDER! DO SOMETHING!"

"Well I was going to save these but…" Mindbender pulled out two small orange vials. "Eddie Juniors! Come on out!" He threw the vials to the ground.

"Eddie Juniors? What the hell are Eddie Juniors?" The Monarch snapped.

The vials exploded and they grew into two large orange blobs the size of the tank Cobra stole. "If those are Eddie Juniors I'd hate to meet Eddie Senior," 21 remarked.

"HA HA HA! Behold the power of…HEY! YOU STUPID BLOBS!" Cobra Commander yelled as the blobs started to attack the tank Cobra had brought. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ATTACK THE ENEMY! NOT OUR OWN TROOPS! COME ON!"

"Gelatinous blobs? Where do you get your freaking ideas? Bad 1950's movies?" The Monarch shouted.

"MINDBENDER YOU FOOL THOSE STUPID BLOBS ARE EATING OUR OWN TROOPS!" Destro yelled as he fought with 21.

"Oops," Mindbender gulped. "Hold on! I've got this!" He ran off into the bushes. Then he ran back with a flamethrower. "TAKE THAT EDDIES!"

The blobs caught on fire but it didn't slow them down. Instead they simply kept on moving and ingesting the occasional replacement Cobra soldier or one of the Monarch's lesser henchmen.

"Oh right I forgot. I made them fireproof," Mindbender winced as the blobs left scorch marks and the occasional skeleton on the lawn.

"I HAVE MORONS ON MY PAYROLL!" Cobra Commander screamed.

"Welcome to my world," Monarch remarked before he hit Cobra Commander with a right cross. "OW! What the hell is that helmet made of? Cement?"

"And now there are two rather large blobs eating everything including my lawn," Dr. Venture frowned. "Great! My entire lawn is ruined! So much for that cover spread in Scientist Lawn Monthly! There's a hundred and fifty bucks I'll never see!"

"Oh that is so not a Guild approved weapon of mass destruction," Sgt. Hatred remarked. "Whoo, there is gonna be a ton of paperwork over this mess I tell you that!"

"As long as I don't have to do any of it I don't care," Dr. Venture grumbled.

"Nah you'll probably just have to sign a couple of things to get reimbursed but other than that…" Sgt. Hatred shrugged.

"Reimbursed?" Dr. Venture's ears perked up.

"Yeah there's a clause in the Guild bylaws saying any damage done to your property by a non-authorized arching will be paid for by the guild as long as an approved arch takes care of the problem," Sgt. Hatred told him.

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Which it looks like the Monarch is doing," Sgt. Hatred said. "Very well."

"At least I'm getting **something **from this fiasco," Dr. Venture said. "I mean money is tight as it is without all these terrorist attacks happening every other day! Do you have any idea how much it costs to replace an electrified fence that big?"

"I'll put it in the request form," Sgt. Hatred sighed.

"AAAAAAAAAAHH!" The Baroness ran from her life from Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.

"Either these Cobra guys are really bad or the Monarch's troops are getting better," Sgt. Hatred remarked.

"Well for once that costumed kook is doing me a favor," Dr. Venture grumbled. "I just wish he wouldn't wreck my lawn while doing it!"

"Again you'll be reimbursed," Sgt. Hatred told him.

BOOOOOOOOOM!

"AAAAAAAAHHH!"

"HENCHMEN FORGET THE COBRAS AND SHOOT THE BLOBS! SHOOT THE BLOBS DAMN IT!" The Monarch shouted.

"IT'S NOT WORKING!" Cobra Commander yelled.

"I CAN SEE THAT!" The Monarch shouted back. "WAY TO GO COBRA CRUD MANDER!"

"HELP US! HELP US! WE DON'T WANT TO DIE!" The Crimson Twins screamed.

The Cobra Troops screamed several words in Spanish as they ran around trying not to die or get eaten by the blobs. A few of them were set on fire. "Such disorganization," Sgt. Hatred tsked. "Where did Cobra get these troops? Home Depot? Never would have seen such sloppiness in my day I'll tell you that!"

"What I'm worried about is that as soon as the Monarch takes care of the Cobras which I'm guessing won't be long," Dr. Venture frowned. "He's going to come after us next!"

"Don't worry. After he takes care of Cobra he has to wait twenty four hours before he can go after you again," Sgt. Hatred explained. "Kind of a grace period."

"Oh that is just **wonderful,**" Dr. Venture said sarcastically. "I get to schedule the next time the Monarch tries to kill me! How **convenient**!"

"AAAAAH! MINDBENDER THESE STUPID BLOBS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT US!" Destro yelled as he and the Baroness ran from the blobs that were on fire.

"COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT! OWWW! STOP BITING ME!" Cobra Commander tried to run away only to be tackled and pummeled by the Monarch.

"I'm just going downstairs to get hammered," Dr. Venture turned around. "Let me know when it's over and if there are any survivors I can sue for damages!"

Several hours later…

"Well that could have gone better," Mindbender sighed. He had a bandage on his head and several scratches on his arms.

"The maiden voyage of the Titanic could have gone better!" Destro glared at Mindbender. His right arm was in a cast and his clothes were torn. "This operation… for lack of a more accurate word was a complete and total disaster!"

"Okay so things did not go according to plan," Cobra Commander moaned. He was sitting in his chair and his clothes were torn. "Still this was not a complete failure."

_"How?"_ The Baroness was nursing a black eye with a cold compress. "How was this **not** a failure?"

"We neither succeeded in stealing anything from Dr. Venture…" Tomax began. He was all cut up and his left leg was in a cast.

"Nor won the battle," Xamot added. He was also cut up and his right leg was in a cast.

"Not to mention we lost all our troops…" Tomax added.

"Nearly lost several limbs," Xamot went on.

"Lost every cent we poured into this fruitless operation…" Tomax added.

"And what few vehicles we had!" Xamot added.

"After we escaped we had to take the bus back to the docks where the ship was anchored," Mindbender moaned. "That was humiliating."

"Look all we had to do was tangle with a major player and survive! Which we did," Cobra Commander said. "It's a win in my book."

"We just got our asses kicked by a group of clowns in **butterfly costumes**!" Destro snapped. "And two little people in dressed up like Little Lord Fauntleroy's psychotic cousins!"

"Not exactly the boost to our reputation we hoped for," The Baroness groaned.

"At least we don't have to worry about paying the survivors," Tomax moaned.

"Because besides us there **weren't **any!" Xamot finished.

"I actually miss the Dreadnoks," Destro moaned. "Actually I miss watching them get beat up but still…"

"You're not seeing the big picture! Cobra had to do something decisive and definite…" Cobra Commander said.

"We did," Mindbender interrupted. "We decisively and definitely **lost!**"

"This wasn't about stealing anything! This was about getting our name back in the game!" Cobra Commander snapped. "So that the world does not forget Cobra!"

"I don't think I could forget last night even if I tried!" Destro moaned.

"I'm sure it's all over the news by now," Cobra Commander looked at a laptop nearby. "What? There's nothing on here!"

"That's because according to this information I gathered," The Baroness took out another laptop. "This Guild of Calamitous Intent pays off all the police and media events in order to assure that the actions of their members are not recorded or prosecuted against."

"What do you mean? Where did you get this information?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "It's not Wikipedia is it?"

"No, they have their own webpage," The Baroness turned around the laptop and showed them.

"Of course they have a webpage," Destro groaned. "Everybody has a damn webpage these days!"

"And from what I have gathered on other law enforcement and secret military databases which I hacked into, this Guild is serious about people encroaching on their territory," The Baroness asked.

"How serious?" Destro asked.

"Well if there wasn't a contract on our lives before there certainly is now," The Baroness groaned.

"Big deal there's always been a contract on our lives," Cobra Commander waved. "At least we managed to tangle with a major player in the Guild and…"

"The Monarch isn't a major player," The Baroness said. "He's a lesser known member of the Guild. Yeah he's killed at least five people he's arched before but he really has a thing for Venture. Been obsessed with killing him for years. In fact nearly everyone else who has tried to arch Venture besides the Monarch is either dead, in the hospital or in the case of Sgt. Hatred had a nervous breakdown and flipped to the other side."

"According to this side article that last one was mostly due to marital problems but still…" Destro looked at the laptop.

"Still this Guild takes even the slightest infraction of their rules very seriously and according to this the Monarch is putting together a task force made up of other enemies of Dr. Venture and mercenaries in order to…" The Baroness read. "De-fang a certain Snake Breath."

"You know we really should have done some research on all the current terrorist groups out there before we did this," Mindbender remarked.

"No kidding!" Cobra Commander groaned. "So basically you're telling me that we lost money and troops and made even more enemies for nothing?"

"I believe that was the gist of my report," The Baroness gave him a look.

"I knew this plan was nothing but folly from the first second it came out of that hissing mouth of yours!" Destro snapped.

"We tried to warn you Cobra Commander," Xamot said icily.

"But you didn't listen," Tomax added.

"As usual," The twins said as one.

"I'm going to get a drink…" Cobra Commander got up and staggered away.

"I wonder if this Guild of Calamitous Intent accepts resumes?" Mindbender remarked.

"I wonder if we offered up Cobra Commander the rest of us would be spared?" The Baroness asked.

"It might be worth a shot," Destro remarked. "So we don't get shot!"


End file.
